The Profit and Loss of Will: Part III

How do we maintain the experience of having a wealth of will?

To be clear, I am writing this blog in large part not because I am an expert who has all the answers but because I am struggling with my own apathy and loss of will.

For most of my life, I was someone who had a lot of big feelings, clear opinions, and who was constantly driven, or constantly passionate about a goal, a project, an idea or a person.   I did not understand, nor have sympathy for the apathetic.  I was not always successful, but for the most part, especially once I reached my late 20s, if I wanted to achieve something, I figured out how to make it happen.  I had more will than I knew what to do with.  The only thing stopping me, usually, was my lack of other types of wealth like resources, knowledge, or time.

Now that I am in my 40s, I have a new challenge before me:  Apathy.  This feeling of numbness is foreign to me, and would be deeply unsettling to me if I weren’t so...apathetic. :)

I know when it happened, and why, that moment that I felt a massive piece of my will tear itself away and vanish into the night and (thus far) never return.  If a heart could break, if a soul could diminish, if we could have some form of grace or muse and then lose it... that is what it felt like.  And since then I have felt very much like a husk of a human being, driving on autopilot.   

In my current state, I do things by habit, because I used to like them, or care about them, or because behaving a certain way has come to produce positive results, but for the most part, I truly feel like an impostor in my own life.  There are a few small exceptions and for those I am deeply grateful.

This situation of mine rings very similar to stories of deep financial loss, or loss of health.  I had a lot of will, and now it’s mostly gone, much in the same way that people lose a lot of their money, their free time, or their health.

This would all be very depressing if I didn’t find this entire situation so fascinating.  I’m also an incurable optimist, so I know that this story has a happy ending.  I just don’t know what it is yet.

That’s why I am writing this blog about wealth. I know I am not the only one to experience a loss of some sort, or to write about overcoming one, but I hope that if I can share my thought process as I look for answers that others may benefit and ... well... that would be kind of thrilling now wouldn’t it?  I also believe that our wealth of will is the most important wealth we could have, and if I can figure out how to overcome a state of depletion then I might be able to help a lot of people, including myself.

I clearly have some will.  I am able to get up in the morning, go to work, and spend time with family.  That’s a lot to be thankful for.  And once in a while I can treat myself to a project like writing this blog, or going to a fitness class.  So, I’m functional, but that’s not good enough because of the amount of strain I feel in attempting to accomplish these things. I’m not consistent.  I’m like a person living from paycheck to paycheck with my will.  That’s not ideal.  I want my will to be prosperous and abundant, with lots of will to invest for the future.  Even more importantly I want to have lots of will so that I can be generous and giving with it toward others.

So, back to the topic at hand, how do we maintain or even begin the experience of having a wealth of will?  

Stop Making Careless Promises

Making a promise to another or to ourselves, even a small one, is like using a credit card to buy something when we don’t have any money.  How many times have you promised someone you would help them only to discover on the day your promise has to be fulfilled that you were exhausted and deeply wished you had not agreed to help them?  Then you either go anyway, which drains you further, or you lie to them, which drains you further, or your break your promise to them, which drains you further.

We all know people who are unreliable.  They habitually make promises to us, sometimes when we haven’t even asked them for anything.  

We also know people who have very little personal power.  They have big ideas, but rarely follow through with them.  

Sometimes we have fallen into that pattern ourselves.  It doesn’t feel good to be on either end of that experience, but sadly if we live like that long enough, we begin to accept it and adapt to it.  I think this is why so many addictions or addictive behaviours are shared among family members.  But that’s a topic for another day...

The point is, a lack of will is a very real thing.  How much will we have regulates much if not all of our lives.  So stop being so careless with it.

A runner with a broken leg would not participate in a marathon because it would only injure them further.  Does this mean the runner will never run again?  Of course not.  They just need time to heal.  So they stop running.  

Similarly, a person who is running low on will should not commit themselves until they are stronger.  This doesn’t mean that you will never strive toward a goal again, or help anyone ever again.  It means you need to step back and heal for a while.

If you are in or headed toward utter bankruptcy with your will, you have to stop spending it so you can reevaluate and then reallocate it to those things that will fulfill and energize you.  Even things we love can suddenly become a burden.  So simplify as much as you can by not committing yourself, by not making promises, and by not setting goals.  Just for a little while.  

In some cases this is not possible because of work or family, so find it where you can.  You may have to promise to go to a meeting or to finish a project, but you don’t really have to volunteer to run the monthly pot-luck.  You may have to drive your child to the doctor, but you don’t have to drive her to her friend’s house three times in one weekend.  

 

Take Ridiculously Small Steps

After you have dug deep and simplified your commitments, when you do begin to try your hand at setting a goal for yourself, take very small steps at first.

If you barely have enough money to pay for your essentials (like shelter), you likely would not expect to go out and buy a mansion. You would pay your rent and start thinking about next month.  The same is true for our will.  If you are experiencing a catastrophic loss in your wealth of will, do not place demands on yourself that far surpass your ability to accomplish them.

Like an athlete who is recovering from an injury (a loss in their wealth of health) you should take small steps as you recover.  And I mean really small steps.

Let’s say, for example, that you are significantly out of shape, and lack the will to accomplish much these days but one day you hope to run a marathon.  For a myriad of reasons you should not go out and attempt to run a mile.  Instead, make your goal for this day be to simply put your sneakers on and walk to your mailbox.  Start with that.  Start with something so ridiculously simple for you that it almost makes you laugh to think about it.  Then make it an intentional part of your training plan.  (Monday:  Walk to mailbox.  Check!)  Do it, and then bask in the tiny lift of success you just accomplished.  From that tiny spark of accomplishment, of doing something you do every day anyway, but with intention, you can increase your will.  

From that point, you can then begin the process of gradually building.  For example, perhaps you will walk to your mailbox 3 days this week, and then 3 days next week you will walk down your street and back.  As soon as you begin to feel dread rather than “OH THIS IS EASY CHEESY!” pull back, and simplify your training plan.  

The goal is to increase your will, not stress or burden yourself further, and when you are suffering a loss you need to fabricate (or perhaps just learn to identify and be thankful for) success by intentionally doing the things that already come easy to you.  

Success is All Around You

Success feels good.  I think it may be the food of our will.  And when we have suffered a loss of will, it may be dangerous to keep trying and failing.  So, here are some ideas for how we can take the concept of ridiculously small steps and apply them to some of the most common goals or burdens we place on ourselves in hopes of mining those experiences of success for a surplus of will:

• To be a successful 5k runner, start with putting running shoes on and wearing them for 5 minutes, three days a week.  (You probably do this anyway, even if you aren’t a runner, but this time, count it as part of your training).

• To be a parent who spends quality time with their teenage child, start by offering to drive them somewhere.   (You probably do this anyway out of necessity, but now, you are going to count the 10-20 minute car ride as time together, even if they are wearing headphones and ignoring you.  It doesn’t matter.  You are there for them.  It counts.)

• To be someone who goes to the gym or to a fitness class regularly, start by driving to the facility and parking your car, then leaving without going inside.  (In forming habits, we often take for granted all of the small steps that have to fall into place.  If you can train yourself to drive somewhere three days a week, and adapt to that change, then you are well on your way to taking the next steps of actually going in the building.)

• To be someone who regularly cooks healthy, homemade meals start by bookmarking or printing a new recipe three days a week, or by keeping one small portion of your countertop clear. (These are likely to be things that you do anyway, but again, the point is to notice them, and if possible to quantify them and count them as success).

• To be a powerhouse employee at work, start by purchasing a planner or a project management app, and look at it once a day, but don’t use it yet.   

This all may seem silly at first, but I think that speaks volumes about the insane level of expectations we place on ourselves even after a catastrophic loss.  Let’s ask ourselves this... would we laugh at a single mom who is striving to save $5 a week?  Would we laugh at an injured athlete who is striving to walk without crutches after they have their cast removed?   No.  Then why would we laugh at ourselves for seeking out achievable success after suffering a significant loss in our will?

It’s alright to go for the low-hanging fruit.  We forget that so much of what we will ourselves to do every day is absolutely amazing, and at one point was nearly impossible for us.

Tending to All Other Forms of Wealth

Having the will to do something is where it all begins.  While we create abundance in our will through the experience of success, in order to experience success we need to keep tending to all the other wealths that make that success possible.  For example, without a wealth of health, the will to run a marathon may be hindered.  Without a wealth of time for studying and attending classes, the will to get an A on our final exam may not be enough.  

Knowledge is another type of wealth that is often crucial to success.  Without a wealth of knowledge, or the ability to obtain knowledge when needed, the will to try something new may quickly exhaust itself if we try the same mistakes over and over again rather than learning from them, or by gaining information on how to do something properly.  

It’s a loop that feeds upon itself.  Will helps us to focus other types of wealth.  And other types of wealth empower our will.  

Do not think of wealth as a linear concept.  For example, it doesn’t work to say that we are born with a wealth of will and if we are lucky we will also have the wealth of time, intelligence, money, health, and resources needed to make the most of it.  It’s better to think of wealth as a circle, that has no beginning or end.

In future posts, I hope to thoroughly examine all of these other types of wealth, so that is why I am only briefly mentioning them here.  

Listen to the Silence

It’s hard to know sometimes if we need to stop investing our will into something altogether.  It may be that we just needed a break, but sometimes, no matter how much we ideologically think we should hang on to something, what we really need to do is let go.  Otherwise, we will continue to run ourselves ragged and deplete our other forms of wealth along with it.    

But before you throw in the towel consider this...

Altruism

Sometimes we need to take the opposite approach to pulling back.  Rather than expending our will for our own benefit, we may find a wellspring in spending our will for the benefit of others.  It is often said that during our greatest crises we also seem to find our greatest strength.  So why wait for one?  If you don’t have the strength to do something for yourself, try doing it for someone else.

Get Professional Help

While I hope you got benefit from reading my perspective on the profit and loss of will, please remember that I am just a person who is struggling with my own problems.  I’m not a doctor or a psychologist, so if you are concerned about any feelings you have been having about your own loss of will please seek a professional.  I do!  There is no shame in it, and may be just the type of support you need in order to rebuild at a later time.  

This concludes my three part series on the profit and loss of will. My hope is that it will serve as an overview or a point of reference for future posts. Thinking of concepts like will as a type of wealth or as a thing that can be quantified is an adjustment but necessary in order to be able to evaluate our state of being and then decide how to act on it.

The Profit and Loss of Will: Part II

The first time I decided to become a runner, I was about 8 years old.  I went outside in the middle of the afternoon in Florida in a dress and dress shoes and tried to run around my entire neighborhood block (the distance of about 1/4 mile). I simply walked out my front door and started running as fast as I could. It was hot, and my feet hurt, and my lungs hurt. I was also obese. I think I weighed about 115 pounds by that time, and had done very little physical activity before that point in my life. 

Needless to say, I could not make it all the way around the block without stopping and I decided that I was not able to run so I quit and didn’t try again for a long time. One could say that I had lost my will to run.  

But how, exactly, did that happen? I don't think that anyone read my anecdote above and believed I was going to be successful that day. So we intuitively know how most of these things end, but how? I believe it comes down to the fact that my wealth of will was sabotaged by my lack of wealth in several other areas.

For example, I didn’t have the wealth of knowledge that would allow me to understand that I should warm up before exercising, and not run in the middle of the day in the Florida heat.  I didn’t have the wealth of belongings in order to run in more comfortable and appropriate attire.  I didn’t have the wealth of experience to allow me to understand that running longer than a sprint took time and practice and that I needed to build up to running a long distance by starting with smaller goals, or the wealth of health that would allow me to do so.  

I didn’t understand that becoming a long-distance runner would not happen immediately simply because I willed it to.

On one hand, it's easy to look back on that time in my life and chuckle, but how many times since then have I done something similar only to sabotage my will rather than nurture it? The answer is: A lot.

One of the greatest ways to create debt in our wealth of will is by starting out with goals and expectations that do not have the steps in place to adequately compensate for the lack of all the other wealths we need to be successful.

High, Unrealistic Expectations

One of the fastest ways to destroy our will is to set our expectations so carelessly or so unrealistically high that we deplete our desire to accomplish something long before we achieve our dreams. It’s ok to have lofty or long-term goals, but without nurturing our will along the way we are likely to give up or get distracted. Without becoming aware of and working with lapses in our other types of wealth, we are likely to feel trapped and decide that our goal was ridiculous and cast it aside. By setting a high expectation, or even any expectation we are creating a debt in our wealth of will.  That’s not necessarily bad, but it does have an effect. 

Common ways that we let unrealistic expectations deplete our will: 

1. Starting a business without a wealth of experience or resources such as a network of potential clients.

2. Entering into a relationship without a wealth of time or a wealth of skill such as the ability to listen.

3. Beginning a new exercise routine without an adequate wealth of health or belongings such as proper running shoes.

In many cases, we not only have our own expectations potentially working against us, but the expectations of others or of society as well. Children in school, for example, rarely start a school year free from expectations from others that far surpass many if not all of their current states of wealth. No wonder children often lose interest, or their will, to do well in school. Not only do they not have all the other types of wealth needed to succeed, but typically neither do their teachers or support system at home. But... that's a discussion for another day. :)

Holding on When It's Time to Let Go

Sometimes we lose our will to accomplish something for good reasons, and we need to listen to those reasons.  We learn, have new experiences, grow, and change, and that means that what we want and need at age 10 is not the same as when we are 15 or 50.  So it makes sense and it’s healthy that we face and acknowledge a loss of desire to do certain things, or a depletion in our wealth of will.  Not all loss of will is bad, however, it's the lack of acknowledgement that potentially keeps us stuck in a weak helpless state for months, years or sadly even our entire lifetimes. 

How often have we clung to a goal, a job, a person, or a past decision even though doing so is readily depleting all of our various types of wealth like our time, spirit, energy, and health?

Wouldn't it be more productive if we could learn how to either rekindle or refocus our will so as to generate a wealth of it rather than a debt?

Investing our will into situations that are not working without getting answers is like investing all of our money into a project that is constantly losing money. There will be consequences, and an experience of loss that at one point or another will have to be acknowledged.

Ignorance

We usually set unrealistic goals out of ignorance because we see someone else who has achieved something similar, and we don’t know about all the things that person did in order to succeed. So unless we are prepared to educate ourselves, we run the risk of depleting our will   

Similarly, ignorance comes into play when we attempt something that requires more than just will to accomplish.  Our goal or project may require other types of wealth such as resources, experience, community, and time.  But if we walk into a situation thinking that all we needed to succeed was the desire to do so, we will likely find ourselves depleted, defeated, and giving up before the real work of our will was even put to the test.

Having the will to accomplish something is like having a large pile of money. Would you invest a large sum of money into a project without educating yourself on it first? Not likely, then why should we do that with our precious will?

Avoiding

Avoiding is another way we might create a debt of will in our lives. When we don't use our will to act on those things that we believe are important to us, we create debt. Most of us agree that family, friends and our health are important, but failing to focus our will in those things can lead to deep feelings of regret which sap our will and a lack of support or capability which makes change even more challenging.

In other words, not only should we invest in all of our various types of wealth, but we must in order to avoid depleting our will.  

When we avoid consciously directing our will we likely end up in a debt of will just as when we do not keep close tabs on how we spend our money, we end up over-drafting on our accounts.

So, how do we maintain the experience of having a wealth of will? My next bog entry will focus on that very topic!

The Profit and Loss of Will, Part I

Do you have a wealth of will?

If you are like me it's not a simple yes or no answer. Just for fun, let's first look at having a wealth of will from a clear yes or no standpoint.  

When we have a wealth of will we are able to take an idea and turn it into reality.  We are able to finish projects and follow through with promises that we have made.  We are able to stay clear of habits and people that we have deemed unhealthy for ourselves.  We are able to operate from choice rather than from habit.  We are able to step outside of ourselves and think critically about our beliefs, and about the beliefs of our community or nation.  Most importantly, when we have a wealth of will we are able to focus all of our other forms of wealth to fulfill a greater purpose.

That sounds amazing! And so not me too much of the time. I would like it to be though. But what would that even look like in reality? Let's start by comparing something simple like how we spend a Saturday afternoon.

What is the difference between someone who has a wealth of will and someone who does not?

Will is how we manage all of our forms of wealth.  If all else was equal, and two people had 5 free hours on a Saturday afternoon (a wealth of time), the one with a wealth of will would be more likely to take their wealth of time, and invest it for a specific purpose.

If I had a wealth of will, I could use it to take my wealth of time and turn it into a wealth of knowledge by choosing to spend that time taking a class or reading.  I could turn it into a wealth of health by choosing to spend that time exercising, preparing a healthy meal, going to a 12-step meeting, or relaxing.  I could turn it into a wealth of money by picking up some extra shifts at work.

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with not intentionally using our will to invest our time, or our other types of wealth, however, there is a benefit to making a conscious choice about it.

A person without a wealth of will well most likely unconsciously squander away their Saturday. Maybe they got benefit from the partial choices they made, or the partial plans they followed through with. And there is nothing wrong with that, but if come Monday morning they are feeling unfulfilled about how they spent their weekend, then like a person on a shopping trip who runs out of money, it's time to make some changes or risk further debt.

I think that strengthening our wealth of will is one of the most important things we could do for ourselves. Consider the more extreme alternative...

What does it look like when we don't have a wealth of will?

When we do not have a wealth of will we don’t seem to be able to do much with our lives or with a specific area of our lives.  We constantly tell others we will do something, but do not follow through. We complain about problems or people but never seem to be able to do anything about it.  We are not solution-oriented.  When we have a lack of will we suffer from an addiction, or a constant series of behaviors that we say we want to stop but fail to do so. We buy products that we don’t need, want, or would approve of if we stopped to think about how or where they were made or what those products did to our bodies, animals, other people or the environment. When we do not have a wealth of will we lend our other types of wealth carelessly.  We expend our precious time, spirit, or energy on corporations, products, causes, or people who do not deserve it.  When we lack will we more easily get swept into the will of others.

Yikes! I really don't want that for myself or for anyone. Yet, so often I don't know how to get from that above mentioned state of debt to a state of prosperity when it comes to my will. Life seems to be more like a delicate balancing act, fluctuating between a type of profit and loss in will.  

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of constantly falling into the rut of living like that.

I believe that if we can understand how we get to this point, then we can understand how to better manage it and prevent it. We need to thoroughly understand how we create debt in our will.  Once we understand that, the solution to creating a wealth of will becomes clearer.  

In the second part of this blog series, The Profit and Loss of Will: Part II I will detail how we create that debt in our will through 

• expectations
• holding on
• ignorance
• avoidance

I believe that once we understand the proverbial profit and losses in our supply of will then we can take that knowledge and use it to live our lives with more direction and purpose.

Differently Wealthy

     About a year ago I had an epiphany: I’m not broke. I realized that there were a myriad of ways to be wealthy, genuinely wealthy, that surpass anything I could ever achieve financially. It’s a common enough sentiment to think of love and health in terms of wealth, but how often do we actually sit down quantify, protect, avoid debt, forecast, and actively grow our wealth in love and health? And what about things like time, energy, will, and spirit? Don’t they also count as a type of wealth? After all, the idea of being a healthy billionaire with absolutely no free time does not sound appealing.

     I think we have wellspring of transactions going on in our lives that deserve our attention and consideration. I think the picture is bigger than money.

     Here’s my list, so far, of all the ways we could be Differently Wealthy:

Belongings: having things like games, tools, toys, books
Community: experiencing a sense of belonging, and connectedness to one or more groups
Energy: experiencing passion, drive, excitement, interest
Family: having one or several people bonded by blood or marriage

Friends: having one or several deeply rewarding connections

Health: having freedom of movement, freedom from pain, freedom from disease
Intelligence: having the ability to think critically, to learn, to research
Love: having the ability to experience it, the ability to give it
Money: having cash, savings, assets
Skill or Talent: being able to fixing things, play an instrument, a good listener
Spirituality: having a deep relationship with the unknown or unseen
Time: having a flexible or free schedule, youth, or good time management skills
Will:  having the ability to take an idea and turn it into reality, to direct change or personal growth in our own lives

     Money is such a tiny factor when it comes to all the things that I think that makes us valuable to others in a relationship, and when it comes to all the things that are at risk if we don’t manage them thoughtfully.

     Most of us would not be reckless with our money in a relationship. Even if we are extremely generous, we still likely have some thought or boundaries on the subject. We know to be cautious, to consider ulterior motives, and usually to not ever give more than we can afford least we set the stage for future resentment.

     I would never give money to someone if I knew it would enable recklessness in them. So I can’t help but wonder why I would be so thoughtless with things that I have that I value far more than money, like my time.

     I can’t help but wonder how my life would change if I gave significant thought to and GRATITUDE for the ridiculously deep wellspring of other “Wealths” in my life. What if I managed and planned my time the way I budgeted my money? What if I had a long term and short term goal for my energy? What if I invested more intentionally in my friends and family? What if I gave love more respect and more power over my life?

     These are the questions I hope to answer in my blog. I hope you will find value here and join me in this exciting journey.